Forward Motion

“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and gorgeous at the end” – Robin Sharma

The last few months have been intense in my household. The renovation project finished and we spent a few months waiting for a sale, sometimes patiently and with great optimism and other times with great anxiety and despair. Completing the project was a fabulous feeling and we celebrated greatly. We spent the next while catching up on housework in our own home, relaxing as a family and taking a few much needed trips (camping and out to the lake house). Reconnecting as a family, especially my partner and I, was critical at that time and the burdens that we had carried during the project were lifted.

We received an offer on the project, much lower than we hoped and we will not be making profit on this project. It is disheartening, but we learned so much and are ready to move forward to the next project with fresh eyes. The growth and learning we received through the project was extensive – and we are encouraged going into the next stage.

Once I had the chance to recharge and regroup, I dove back into my Fundamentals of Real Estate course – and after much hard work and studying I passed my exam, with a high score that surprised and motivated me. I feel such relief having that course completed. Going back to school in my late 30’s was a very uncomfortable and scary undertaking. I am extremely proud of myself. I finished the second required course for my licensing and am waiting to book my exam and complete a Criminal Record Check. It is fascinating to me that learning and retaining information is much easier when the student is interested in and passionate about the subject matter! I am excited to start this new path. My partner is working out what he will be doing during the “in between” times, when we are waiting for a sale and before we get our next project. There are a few options, and we are confident we will find the one that works best for our family.

BUT – change is hard. I am particularly resistant to it. I tend to overthink most things in my life, especially when I am facing either a decided change or a forced change. Part of my ongoing therapy is working at becoming more at home with myself and trusting my instinct to guide me. I am also working to build my self confidence and outlook regarding my self worth. I feel that, because I am not as strong in those areas, I put entirely too much value on the opinions of those around me. So when I make a decision there is a lot of weight put onto what I perceive others will think or feel. Really not healthy, but something I am working on. Trusting my instincts – how the heck do I do that?

The stresses that my little family has been dealing with are mainly focused around “changes” – I am learning that my daughter, despite being so carefree and easy going, relies heavily on constants. When things change abruptly she has a very difficult time coping. I am worried that I can’t give her the tools to process change right now, but I am optimistic that as I learn for myself how to cope I will be able to pass those skills to her. I am motivated to become the best person I can be, through counselling and life experience, and that gives me great hope for my daughters ability to adapt to change.

It seems to me that change and uncertainty are pretty constant. We can rely on the truth that things can twist and turn, plans crumble and we have to learn to adapt and refocus. It really sucks sometimes! For me, it is hard to wrap my head around not having control of so many things. It is uncomfortable, it feels “icky”. My therapist has advised me that I should start to “sit in the discomfort” and then once the situation passes look back and analyze/reflect. Did anything bad happen? Were the things I was so anxious about happening actually happen? Did I learn something? Did I grow? Did I possibly actually enjoy the situation once I relaxed into it? Social anxiety, change, uncertainty and learning self esteem feel like a huge recipe for disaster – but I suppose that when I can grasp control of myself and my actions (and reactions) I can take the disaster and turn it into growth.

I opened this blog with a quote, “Change is hard at first, Messy in the Middle, and Gorgeous in the end”. I feel like I am entering into the stages between messy and gorgeous – and I am so encouraged and excited!

This duckling is turning into a swan folks.