“Anger is often grief that has been silent for too long” – Nayyirah Waheed
I have been sitting in anger for a while now. Without getting into specifics, to protect all involved, I am facing some past issues while navigating a current situation and it sucks.
It feels like I am boiling under the surface – I am aware enough to realize that the anger I feel is not TRULY anger. It is hurt, disappointment, frustration and feeling let down. I am frazzled, set off by the little things that normally wouldn’t impact me so deeply. A sassy remark from my daughter, having the meal I’ve been working hard on not working out, falling off my diet and grabbing not one but two burgers for dinner. I feel PISSED OFF. Inwardly RAGING.
I am hurting. My grief is coming out of the cozy hidden place I keep it in, rearing up in the most inopportune moments. It is an accumulation of the pain and sorrow of many things all colliding at once. The loss of both my parents, much too early. Being assaulted by someone I thought I could trust. Getting into some precarious situations as a result of not dealing with things in a healthy way. Being taken advantage of by many “friends” over the years (despite having a solid crew now the hurt remains from the others). Having issues with strong personalities within the family. Not having the close relationship with my brother that I am desperate for, and instead meeting him where he is at and trying to allow that to be enough. Having an incredibly sassy and strong daughter who pushes each and every button some days (but then crawls into my arms at bedtime and is peaceful and angelic again). Traffic, bad weather, running low on gas for the car, dogs that are entirely too energetic for a morning, spoiled cream when I need it, forgetting to thaw meat for dinner – it builds and builds and before I know it I am treading water in a hurricane. Or at least, that’s how I feel.
I am fairly certain my emotions are high because of the work I am doing in therapy. There are life stresses too, which add to the intensity. I have started to do some inner child work – not for the faint of heart! It is raw and ragged and exhausting. There are so many emotions coming through: guilt for feeling some of those emotions, feeling like I am betraying certain family members by exploring that guilt, confusion that I hold precious and dear childhood memories of people who have hurt me so deeply as a young woman/to current. It has been a ride that’s for sure! If I was a drinker I would likely be in trouble right now trying to cope with everything. Thankfully, my fiance is sober and I am sticking on that path (although I admit to downing a few glasses of wine here and there at the end of those especially tough days).
It is easy to crawl into a hole of self pity and, at times, loathing. How nice if I could just let the raging inner bitch loose. I imagine it would feel great in the moment, of course the damage and required repair would feel very horrible. I am really struggling to love through my anger. To hold tight to my family, give hugs when I am feeling so gross and vulnerable. I wish it was as easy as turning off those thoughts and putting the memories back in their box – but instead I am choosing to overload on the “now” feelings. Practicing patience and allowing my daughter to fill me with sunshine. Softening into the embrace of my fiance, and not allowing my mind to wander to the zillion things on the to do/to process/to avoid list running in my brain.
I am trying to be loving to myself, through my anger. Despite my anger. Because of my anger?
As my inner child expressed quite pointedly in my last meditation – “It’s okay. I love you. You love me. You have done your best. I am proud”
I am choosing to extend the grace to myself now that she has gifted me so freely.